Monday, September 14, 2009

Its like 1:49 in the morning and I can't sleep. All I do is sleep but for the past three nights I haven't been able to. This has been the most horrible weekend in my entire life besides when my father died. My cousin who I was extremely close to went into my cell phone and stole naked pictures of me and sent them to some girl that he was pretending to be a girl to. The girl happened to send naked photos to my phone the next day and I was like you have the wrong number. She was like whatever Tiffany you sent pictures to me last night and now you don't know me? So I was like send me the pictures back and when she did they were of me. I was totally blown away. I couldn't believe that he would do that to me. If he would have admitted and said that he was sorry it might have meant something, anything but to completely deny it when everyone knew he had my phone the time it was sent was crazy. I don't understand how he could look at me in that way let alone send them out to people. The girl was at a club when she got them and showed it to people along with sending the photos out. So I have no idea who has them and who has seen them. Throughout everything I just wanted my boyfriend to be there for me and he wasn't. I guess in his own way he was but I don't think he understood how much this has affected me. We broke up because I wanted him to just be there and he left. I feel so violated almost as if I was raped. It seems as if every man that has entered my life has hurt me in one way or another. My father. He died but if its true that he died from AIDS I'm angry he didn't protect himself. He had me to live for and he lived it recklessly and couldn't be there for me all the times I needed him. Including now, All the advice that I needed about boys that never came from any male figure. My uncle had me committed to a fuckin mental institution because he didn't like me. I moved in with him because I wanted some type of male guidance. I wanted a father figure and all I got was choked and a six day stint at Northwestern in Valley Forge where I witnessed everything under the sun. Now my cousin who was more like a brother to me. I can't trust anybody and I feel so alone. The only person I want is Mike and he isn't here partly because I drove him away. For the past two years I have shared everything with him. To be honest he is my best friend and I need him so bad right now and I hate to need someone. My mom thinks that its best if I move away for a while because everything is so fucked up and it never seems to get better. I think it would be a good decision but I think that I should move further than what she is thinking. I'm so tired of all the things that keep happening in my life. Its one thing to the next and I'm tired. If this is life I'm not sure if I want it anymore. I feel so unprotected and I'm almost scared to think of what might happen next. I'm so lonely and so alone. I in such a dark place right now I don't ever see myself coming out. I have lost all faith in God. Its getting harder and harder to believe anymore. I know that everyone goes through pain but I have never felt joy. I would like to be truly happy for just a few hours. I'm tired of waking up everyday pretending to be happy and that everything is okay. Everything is not okay!! I'm hurting. I'm falling and I don't wanna be here anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. When I wake up in the morning its dreadful. I sleep as long as I can. Not because I'm sleepy but because I don't wanna deal with this life and this world. I'm so tired of everything. I just want Mike to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I want my dad to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay but they can't. I'm stuck in this life this hole this darkness and there isn't anything I can do about it.

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