Monday, September 14, 2009

Its like 1:49 in the morning and I can't sleep. All I do is sleep but for the past three nights I haven't been able to. This has been the most horrible weekend in my entire life besides when my father died. My cousin who I was extremely close to went into my cell phone and stole naked pictures of me and sent them to some girl that he was pretending to be a girl to. The girl happened to send naked photos to my phone the next day and I was like you have the wrong number. She was like whatever Tiffany you sent pictures to me last night and now you don't know me? So I was like send me the pictures back and when she did they were of me. I was totally blown away. I couldn't believe that he would do that to me. If he would have admitted and said that he was sorry it might have meant something, anything but to completely deny it when everyone knew he had my phone the time it was sent was crazy. I don't understand how he could look at me in that way let alone send them out to people. The girl was at a club when she got them and showed it to people along with sending the photos out. So I have no idea who has them and who has seen them. Throughout everything I just wanted my boyfriend to be there for me and he wasn't. I guess in his own way he was but I don't think he understood how much this has affected me. We broke up because I wanted him to just be there and he left. I feel so violated almost as if I was raped. It seems as if every man that has entered my life has hurt me in one way or another. My father. He died but if its true that he died from AIDS I'm angry he didn't protect himself. He had me to live for and he lived it recklessly and couldn't be there for me all the times I needed him. Including now, All the advice that I needed about boys that never came from any male figure. My uncle had me committed to a fuckin mental institution because he didn't like me. I moved in with him because I wanted some type of male guidance. I wanted a father figure and all I got was choked and a six day stint at Northwestern in Valley Forge where I witnessed everything under the sun. Now my cousin who was more like a brother to me. I can't trust anybody and I feel so alone. The only person I want is Mike and he isn't here partly because I drove him away. For the past two years I have shared everything with him. To be honest he is my best friend and I need him so bad right now and I hate to need someone. My mom thinks that its best if I move away for a while because everything is so fucked up and it never seems to get better. I think it would be a good decision but I think that I should move further than what she is thinking. I'm so tired of all the things that keep happening in my life. Its one thing to the next and I'm tired. If this is life I'm not sure if I want it anymore. I feel so unprotected and I'm almost scared to think of what might happen next. I'm so lonely and so alone. I in such a dark place right now I don't ever see myself coming out. I have lost all faith in God. Its getting harder and harder to believe anymore. I know that everyone goes through pain but I have never felt joy. I would like to be truly happy for just a few hours. I'm tired of waking up everyday pretending to be happy and that everything is okay. Everything is not okay!! I'm hurting. I'm falling and I don't wanna be here anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. When I wake up in the morning its dreadful. I sleep as long as I can. Not because I'm sleepy but because I don't wanna deal with this life and this world. I'm so tired of everything. I just want Mike to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I want my dad to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay but they can't. I'm stuck in this life this hole this darkness and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Build A Bridge and Get Over It

Well I moved into the new house and its ok. I still don't feel as though I'm home though. It's like all of us are paying rent equally but yet I have to ask about everything. I want a dog and I'm a grown ass woman who can take care of it so how is anyone going to disagree. I love my Grand-mom to death but she is slowly making me hate her. She always has to show off when my aunt is here. I can't stand fake people. The dog situation is only a small part. It's the look that she gives that makes me feel like complete and utter shit. Sometimes things can be good but now that we moved its like this is all hers and we are just staying with her. I have never felt like I had a home and I thought that once we moved out of my aunts house it would be different. Its like if my cousins and I are laughing about something and they say a joke its funny but when I say something I get a head shake like what the fuck. The crazy thing is that after everyone leaves she'll act different where everything is good for a while. I don't even know why I air my business out over the internet but fuck it. I need to get it off my chest but no one to really talk to. If I do talk to someone I'm either told to suck it up or they don't believe me. I doubt anyone really reads this shit anyway but if they do oh well. These are my feelings and this is me.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Pissed

I am just so overwhelmed and stressed out. Tomorrow I start moving into my new house. What should be a joyous occasion is not. Its been hell living with my aunt. I can't have company but my cousins can. It's a problem if even family wants to come over. If I'm dating a guy they can't come inside. We have to sit outside. When my boyfriend would come see me he always had different cars and because neighbors would only see me coming out and getting in the car they thought I was a prostitute and whore. Now I'm moving into a new neighborhood and supposedly a better environment just to be told by Grandmom that I can't have company. Mind you I paid rent at my aunt's house and I will be paying rent at the new house. The crazy thing is the house doesn't belong to any of us. We are all in there under equal circumstances. I just cant take it anymore. My cousin said I could stay with her and ever since she did I haven't heard from her. I was supposed to start my new job on Monday but they recently informed me I can't begin until December which means I can't even move into my own place until maybe February. I'm so scared I'm going to start having panic attacks again. I'm just so lonely. The people I always thought would be there for me isn't. This isn't life and I'm exhausted with dealing with the bullshit. I need some type of assistance and prayer. I don't think anyone understands how I feel. My whole life I never felt like I was ever at HOME. Like in eighth grade my teacher called all the parents in the class to tell their parents they were being bad. Instead of picking out the kids who were actually being bad the class suffered as a whole. Most kids a week or so punishment but not me. I was kicked out and sent to live with my aunt. It wasn't too bad because there wasn't much supervision. My little cousin would always say she didn't want me here and she even steals from me now. When my teacher told my mom that it wasn't me that I wass actually being teased by the others she just said oh, well come home. My favorite one is when she would tell me that she would ship me off to Florida to be with my dad's family. When they would scream get out and I stayed because they didn't want tot go through the hassle of the eviction process. I'm really mad at myself for forgiving it each time and not leaving. I'm mad that I hoped my family unit was more that it actually is. I'm mad my father died and left me to deal with the bullshit. I'm mad because I wasn't strong enough to get out a long time ago.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

It's Been a While


Hey everyone. It has been a while since the last I wrote in my blog. My mind has been on school and finding another job. School is goin well even though my psych teacher pushes me to got to places in my mind that I hate. Now the job search is on a whole different level. I can't find shit. I'm getting tired of being broke. Especially since I have a shopping problem. I'm trying to avoid going to stores so that I wont buy anything. Its getting harder and harder to not purchase anything. I'm an emotional shopper. When I'm sad or happy or mad or whatever I need to buy something. It doesn't matter if its McDonalds or Jimmy Choo's. I love buying designer clothes because its this feeling you get from it. Its like just knowing I have on $300 pair of jeans validates the fact that I am the shit. I know its not healthy so I have decided to find a help group for people who shop too much and especially for the wrong reasons. I don't need anything else because I barely get a chance to wear the things I do have twice. I dont even have room for all my clothes. Its sad. I wish I could donate my clothes but I have a hard time throwing anything away. Someone HELP ME!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Philly Cops

Later on today I have to go to court to support my cousin. The cops claimed he robbed a local Chinese restaurant around the corner and everyone knows he didn't. For one he was at home with us when it supposedly happened. The woman claims he did it because of his beard. I mean come on what black man in Philly doesn't have a sunni these days? I really feel that we as black people really need to stop patronizing their establishments. They don't respect us plus the feel as though we all look alike. When everyone tried to tell her my cousin wasn't the right person she didn't care. She wasn't concerned about finding the right person because to most of them we are all the same. What really got me mad was the fact that the cops came into my home and into y bedroom like get up and go downstairs. When we tried to ask what was going on they said sit down and wait. They were extremely rude and had the nerve to steal. They "allegedly" stole my cousins cell phone, jeans, my MP3 charger and blank Cd's. I mean come on. How can people feel safe to call them for help when they use their badges to commit crimes everyday. I went to the police station knowing they were going to deny it but I had to let them know I knew they stole. When I see a cop or even the cop car it makes me sick and a little nervous. They left the room in disarray and knocked the lamp over onto the couch where it burnt a hole into the cushion and when I moved it the plastic melted onto my hands and burnt me. I still have a nasty scar from it.
It makes me hope nothing happens that I may need police assistance because I probably wouldn't call them. Philadelphia police needs to get it together. Where can we find safety? It makes me understand why people take the law into their own hands. I'm not upholding it because a lot of innocent people get hurt daily because of it but the mistrust in them also makes it a catch 22. We are told that we should help the police to identify the criminals that are destroying our neighborhoods then the same police officers tell who we are. Take the incident in New York where the CI was killed and the next day his picture was on the the cover of the daily news labeled SNITCH. Truth be told some of those same criminals help the elderly or make sure the young girls coming home from work late are safe coming through their blocks. I've seen women cops have relationships with drug dealers and male cops try to pick up young girls. When I was in high school in tenth grade a male cop bothered me everyday walking home from school talking about how sexy I was. The real problem is cops are regular people but with that badge they believe they are superior. Don't get me wrong there are good cops too. The only problem is that who can really decipher one from the other? So they all get the label until their proven wrong.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Give Up?


So there's this guy...

As I sit here listening to Solo I'm trying to figure out my next move on this bullshit called love.

So I've been on this roller coaster of a relationship for seven years now. While hes in jail we formed a closer relationship. Only thing is I don't know whats real anymore. Is this "jail house talk" or what I've wanted all my life? Recently we had an argument because he wont say that he loves me. I always thought that if you love someone you WANT them to know along with everyone else. What really takes the cake is when he said "if you had a friend that you didn't love but they said it to you when they were dying wouldn't you feel obligated to say it back?"

He asked this question because he said if I was dying he would say it by obligation.

It should be such an easy decision to just forget the loser but its sooooo hard. He has never been the type to be all lovey dovey but when I say that it makes me feel as if I'm making excuses for him and his actions. Not to mention he was in a relationship when he got locked up with someone else. I just can't help but feel as if he's only with me because he feels she wasn't there for him when he needed her. I feel like the rebound girl even though I was here first. I don't know if I want him because everyone thinks we should be together or because I'm selfish and I NEED to be the winner. There's no doubt that I love and care for him but maybe that's where it should end. I know I don't want to be hurt again but I'm scared that I might be miss my chance for love.

Also he promises that we're gonna move and start a life together BUT only if I get his name tatted on me but he doesn't wanna get mines. I'm not gonna lie I was considering it for a while but something smacked the shit out of my dumb ass and was like "bitch is you crazy?!" Not the grammatically correct conscience but the 'ghetto smack the sense back into ya black ass' conscience. He also said if I don't get it we wont be together but if I do I'm going to get something real big. You know what I sad? YEAH MUTHA FUCKIN' RIGHT!

Anyway I would appreciate some input and remember keep it as real as possible cuz RRR.(Real Recognize Real)



(I hope I don't regret posting this)